Beggar’s Dream and A Camel’s Backside

so I just got back from the make up counter and let me tell you, they are superb listeners.

i told the very sweet girl who was going to “hook me up” that I had small children and that I didn’t have much time in the mornings, but that I was looking for a powder/ foundation combo for the winter.

generic-make-up-person-who-could-probably-smear-poop-on-her-face-and-look-like-she-was-ready-for-the-runway:
“What do you usually do….. never mind. I’VE GOT AN IDEA!”

what happened next I can only partially explain… she “transformed” me into someone who was far superior to the tired ol’ lazy pants lacking a sufficient beauty routine lady that walked in and greeted her with a beggar’s dream of simply purchasing something to make my face look like I have slept a full night since being impregnated (over four years ago). no, no, she took me on a journey to galaxies far, far away where I had tint, lift, liner, buffer, extenders, shorteners and a small figurine that would jump out of my nose and do the roger rabbit for you if you complimented my new look.

me, aka lady-who-doesn’t-even-have-an-eye-cream-OR-a-night-moisturizer (GASP) I know! don’t make any sudden movements, she’s still looking…
“Can you write down what you did in case I wanted to replicate it?”

SUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRREEE

14

that’s right.

14

FOURTEEN FREAKING STEPS.

You know what? There is a reason that I kind of look like the backside of a camel some days and do you want to know why that is, my friends? Well it is the answer to that first question…

“What do you usually do?”

I usually get up with at least one sweet redhead in the night because of a nightmare, a shadow on the wall, a sheet being not quite right, a nightlight not doing it’s job right or because her “toes were a little too itchy”. Then I wake up to my kids going from deep sleep to screaming Mary Poppins songs or pretending to be a pirate, and the day begins. we all sit quietly around the breakfast table to eat our eggs from chickens who were never harmed and read at least two books before bed after having finished their ballet classes in the barn and drink our vegetable juice. no wait, that’s not right. we read books as long as possible and try to feed them food- any food that will stay in them long enough to get them to whatever great event we have planned for the day. i fill sippys, pack lunches, brush and style hair to the princesses’ likings, dress them in something that will neither get them arrested nor get them hired to be the next Disney tween star, have tea parties, play monster vs super girls, play fancy nancy, play soccer, ride bikes and scooters, wipe bums, prepare food, wipe tears, affirm where there is insecurity, try to get them to love one another, get them to look up and be awed at their surroundings, try to foster a grateful heart, tell them how wonderful their daddy is so they don’t marry a loser, dance, sing and shout. i make up at least 8 songs a day to motivate children trapped in the whiny cage to come on out and do something we all know they want to do deep down inside, i make sure that they are able to experience and embrace this life they’ve been given. that’s what i usually do. do i moisturize? no. am i going to buy your fourteen products totaling $364? no. will i wear killer make-up on those rare times i know my picture will be taken and never remember this life-altering transformation you would like a girl scout badge for?

absolutely.

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4 Responses to Beggar’s Dream and A Camel’s Backside

  1. Joy says:

    I’m so excited!!!!

  2. I have a night moisturizer…that only Jerry uses. At least SOMEONE has good skin around here 😉

  3. Kimberly says:

    1. Never once have you looked like the backside of a camel.
    2. The makeup chic doesn’t have kids.
    3. Even if I didn’t know you and love you for all your amazingness already, how could I not love you after this hillaricious writing???
    4. I love Christin.

  4. Jenny B says:

    Ahhhh! A person who understands! And made me laugh. 🙂

    Before I had kids, I was frequently mistaken for an 18 year old kid (even at 24). After kids, never again…wait! Once. One time a sweet lady was surprised I was 28 and had two kids. She thought I was a kid myself. A fluke, I’m sure. Considering I haven’t slept well in 4 years, I think a camel butt would probably be a good look for me, a vast improvement even, compared to my current look.

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