you know how people who are from different parts than this here north cackalacky or who have more money than time go on “holiday”? well, me too. sorry for the absence, but i was thinking really deep thoughts and reading really good books and trying to dissect what it is that i seek to do here in this place in this space… with you.
here’s what i know… i have grown up a bit and if i would have started a blog when i was in my twenties it would look a great deal different than this one that i have here today. (meaning, it would be wearing excessive amounts of overalls and have caedmons call playing in the background and i would have offended people by speaking strongly and passionately about things that i had limited experience with.) also, i hope and pray that it looks a lot different than anything else that i may or may not write ten years from now. i am growing up ma ain’t you proud:)
here are some things that cross my mind now that would have never been entertained ten years ago. i hope i am writing something ten years from now. i have lived enough life and walked with enough cherished friends to actually grasp that no one is guaranteed tomorrow. this lesson comes with tears and a great deal of knowledge of the stages of grief, but it gently reminds me that the goal of today is to make it count. also, i am not ashamed of who i have been in the past. when talking with a college friend recently she said that if she could go back to college she would live differently and we were all in agreement, but as i sit here today thinking at my desk i think who i am today was molded by all of those decisions. the great ones, the mediocre ones and the ones that i hope fade into a background covered in a blanket of grace because they are now affectionately known as the decisions-who-shall-not-be-named. each step along this journey shapes us. some with a nudge and some with a huge machete-type removal of a piece of ourselves that we thought we would hold forever. but we grow and we walk on.
so where do we go from here… i want to make you laugh, i want to make you cry and i want to make you sometimes do those at the same time. i want to make you hope and i want to be clear that i understand the danger in this.
i am one sensitive lady and i didn’t say anything during this election season because i saw people rail on other people, act like people who don’t know better and become someone that no longer reflected anyone they professed to be following, and you know what? i grew saddened. i had hoped for so much more and to see the ugly right there sprawled out for everyone to see, unapologetic adolescent cuts made to entire people groups claiming intellectual superiority, all the while showing their true colors to be not quite as bright as they assumed. well, that came close to breaking me. and then i remembered. we are all walking a hard road. the moment you assume that you know what a person should do, when you know them not, is a genuine pretentious moment. in that moment you’re claiming to act as the one who had the ability to know each and every person to the core because he made them and understood not only what was in front of them, but what lies behind them and ahead in the distance all at once.
here’s what i want you to know… i am here struggling right alongside you. sometimes it’s pretty and sometimes it is more shameful than my senior prom dress, but it is real and i’ll take real over the fake stuff any day.
i guarantee little, while i am finishing up this post my kid is saying into her monitor, “the night light is not bright enough for me and someone needs to come geeeeeeet meeeeeeeee”. i like coming here and meeting with you over some words and a few moments strung along to make a chord of peaceful pretty, but you know what is not going to happen? my kids are not going to look at my blog when they grow up to figure out who i was and what i was passionate about. i am passionate about them. maybe i drop off the face of the earth for awhile…i will try to have enough posts that times where i am more needed than others go undetected, but i will always choose them first.
i learn slowly. you may feel like i labor a point and need to move on, but i am posting what i am learning. you are getting my thoughts real time, and if i haven’t grasped it then you are going to hear about the knock-down, drag-out process. thanks for tuning in.