at dinner last week, someone told me what the theme of my blog was. we were having a lovely convo during which they were asking me in a gently yet challenging way where i’m at and why i fell off the grid. this person said “if i had to say what the theme of your blog is, it’s this: what will your response be when life doesn’t work out the way you had pictured? you do this in a humorous and caring way, but it challenges the reader”.
i had not planned specifically on this theme, but i think they’re right. most of the writing on here deals with life and how we deal with it, since it doesn’t often turn out quite how we pictured. which also is the reason i’ve been AWOL from this here blog lately…
well, here it is are you ready?
hold somebody’s hand…
i am pregnant again. yup, you read right. the lady who has pretty much a near-death experience at least a few times every pregnancy has decided to try that junk again whoop whoop. it came after much thought, discussion and prayer, not to mention of course a little action. i don’t want y’all running home to your momma and saying that babies are made through thought, discussion and prayer, you know. I remember when matt and i decided to try for our first child and after being raised to believe if i looked at somebody longingly i was about to give birth to twins it was quite sobering to realize that it can take a long, long time to get pregnant. so from the very beginning this was an example of a case where it didn’t work out exactly as we had planned. in our reality we could have made multiple babies in the amount of time it took us just to get pregnant, but we were able to eventually, at which point we were instantly amazed at how ill one could get simply from growing a human.
i have hyperemesis gravidarum and although i always knew deep down i would have something in common with a princess one day, this was not exactly what that little girl dreamed of. this is a condition that btw .03- 2 percent of women in the world have so please do not be frightened by my description. chances are you will never be this ill. but i threw up all day everyday and when it got to the point that i couldn’t keep 3 tsp of liquid in over 5 minutes we would go to the hospital because my body had transitioned to keytones and that was not in the okay column. every day for 17 weeks with sweet molly corin i was laid up in bed or sprinting for the toilet and it seemed that life couldn’t get much harder. while laying in bed, matt couldn’t move or else i would hurl. he would go to work and then check in and I would say something about it not being worth it or if he said “can i pray?” i would say yes ask Jesus to take me now. he would come home, try to give me something to eat, it wouldn’t work, i would throw up for the remainder of our evening with an occasional game of backgammon before bed. our existence became one of survival, and even that seemed like a tall order. with hazel it lasted till week 21, but was lessened in intensity primarily by my responsibility to care for the 15 month old i already had. i say all this not to bore you to pieces, but to answer the question you may be wondering as you read this: “why would a woman who writes a blog called ‘Joy Of Pregnancy…And Other Lies” get pregnant again? Let’s just say there are times where you will suffer great pain in great love and have to actually consider whether to enter it willingly again.
so here we are. we thought and prayed greatly after having miscarried our 3rd pregnancy. we landed on opposite sides of the opinion scale at every turn. even if one of us changed our mind it seemed the timing was off and so had the other and two years after miscarrying we decided to try again. and here we are knocked up and hurling like we do. you know what? it hasn’t gotten any more fun. i am keenly aware of the priceless gift at the end and that is encouragement to run through the tape, but it doesn’t change the hardship of the 100% nausea, 100% of the time existence that i walk through each day. my dinner partner was clear that this was when it was most important to write because the name of my freaking blog is the joy of pregnancy and other lies!!! admittedly, i have a great fear of being debbie downer, i want to make you laugh waaaaay more than i want to make you cry. so in this season it will be hard to write. but i will, in hopes that i could help even one person through one thing. could be related to crazy hard pregnancies, could have nothing to do with it, but i will write and would love for you to come along.