today on the way to school when the girls and i said our prayer mc said,
“i pray mommy’s not hard today.”

we’ve had a rough couple of days here (feel free to substitute the time frame with the word “years” if you can stomach it) and so i assumed that this prayer was in response to my yelling at the top of lungs to be quiet because i was trying to put the baby to sleep. yup, read that one again because not only is that some stellar parenting, it is also all kinds of jacked up that you would yell at someone to be quiet and to explain the urgency of said low volume in the house through a loud and “mean” one. ahhhh, the parenting books i will write and then simultaneously burn are just too many to count.

anyway, i was intrigued and as i had already sat down with the girls and said i was sorry for yelling and asked for their forgiveness, i took the bait and asked what she meant by that prayer. then my sweet oldest child who is spirited, often times straight-up crayzeeee and who is 6 and believes in her heart of hearts that the world should revolve around her needs and desires explained what she meant. she told me that she knew it was hard when the baby fussed all day and so she continued her prayer and asked Jesus if just for today the baby could fuss just a medium amount so mommy’s day wouldn’t be too hard.

i was soooo grateful for her beautiful hearts prayer. not just because hey let’s be real i’ll take a medium hard day over an intensely hard day anytime, but she had noticed and listened. when she was fighting for her right to party last night while daddy was at physical therapy and i had them in all their glory for a meal that was not kid-friendly, followed up by a night with no fireworks, dessert or even massive amounts of screen time (the INJUSTICE), i answered her plea for world domination with the unphotoshopped truth. i said “honey, sometimes caring for everybody is hard for mommy and tonight is one of those nights”. she acquiesced and while i pondered whether or not to put $20 bucks in her future therapy jar she was absorbing the truth.

that mommy hood is a blessing, but that it is hard. that i want to care for them in such personal and creative ways that martha stewart and pinterest both go out of business. that when i pictured myself as a mom and a wife i didn’t picture the oftentimes frazzled and impatient version of myself that results. where is the victory in this post? the victory is that i am still here. i am waking up and holding the one scared of the shadow her night light makes on the wall. i am remembering that the other one won’t eat her pb and j if there is any sign of a chunk in the preserves. i know that my sweet number three cannot function if she is not upright for at least 15 minutes after eating. i know the details and i’m here to love and serve them as best i can each day. i am here.

so be comforted. you showed up and someone has seen you and they have ushered in a prayer that you are not too hard today. perhaps the prayer is less about how challenging the day before you is, but rather how hard we are with ourselves for falling short of the image in our heads. be kind sweet friend you have shown up and that is more than half the battle. it may just be the whole battle.

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2 Responses to Hard

  1. angiehipps says:

    Thank you for this beautiful, honest post. I can really relate. I appreciate the encouragement that despite our shortcomings we are still rolling up our sleeves and taking on the wonderfully hard task of loving and raising our kids. God is good and in His infinite wisdom assigned us our kids. Thank you for being you, and striving to do a great job at raising your girls. Merry Christmas!

  2. sillywhitney says:

    Praying the truth at the age of 6. Love that girl. So much. God made her heart, and he’s letting it grow in your house. These are all good things. 🙂

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