i don’t want to alarm anyone but we are only a few weeks into summer vacation and my house looks like a strip club.

but really i just removed a pair of panties from a lampshade y’all and it is getting real up in hurrr. i know we need to live it up and enjoy every single precious moment with these cherubs before they grow up and we weep at the days of yore gone by, never to return again, but seriously… how did the panties come to hang on the lampshade?

it seems that while i was feeding the baby in another room someone tooted and it “sounded funny”, so they decided there needed to be a bum check to make sure it was just a toot. so that explains why the underwear was off, but when i inquired about its current placement the answer, with a face mixed with equal parts shock and horror, was “they were in my hand so we swung them around and threw them as high as they could go.” exit. stage. left.

i felt like if i left it there the terrorists would win, but as i prepared to address the panty incident i noticed coins and dollar bills all over the floor. i took the bait. when asked why all of the money they have ever had was sprawled out across the living room rug, these two explained that they needed to count it because they were saving up for sooooommmmeeeeeettttthhhhhhhiiiinnnnnnngggggggg.

so i’ve got underwear hanging from light fixtures, dolla billz spread across the floor, and i think they are trying to wear me down. at present i’m writing from the bathtub because i think i need to call for reinforcements. the pinterest craft i spent hours assembling last night took them 2.5 minutes to complete. the empowering talk i gave on nutrition and how we are going to try new things and hit all different food groups was interrupted to ask for a trip to yogurtland. the summer worksheets and reading logs may or may not have been disassembled by the baby today when she was frustrated that paper didn’t taste better.

I’m just going to sit here until somebody finds me. if they ask you, please lie and tell them i knew what i was doing when i attempted to be the fun, smart, disciplined awesome summer mom i knew they needed. either that or bring me a glass of wine.