i’ve been thinking a great deal about the person that we dress up as and the person that we really are. the effort we are willing to go to to present this person we have created from a combo of misperceptions of those around us, the things we have pinned, pulled, or created in our minds as well as the general inherent instincts of what this wonder woman would be.
here’s my struggle: i feel the pressure to be the person whose children are respectful and clean, whose meals are warm and wafting pleasurably through the pristine nostrils of my supremely content hubby extraordinaire as he walks through the doors of our uber peaceful and noncluttered, unnaturally clean home. as my apparent dismay surfaces matt always asks the same questions: “who is this woman that is able to do all this stuff you are expecting yourself to do perfectly? who is this woman you are comparing yourself to? she does not exist!”
it took me some time to admit it, but she is really a hodge-podge conglomeration of all the things i see the women around me doing well. the one whose instagram meals make me want to eat at her house instead of mine. the one who followed her passion and ended up supporting her family through it. the one whose workout outfit puts my entire functioning wardrobe to shame. heck, the one who works out! the problem is i don’t get to enjoy the beauty of her giftedness because i always skip right ahead to the comparison. where i am not as gifted as she is in that area.
i lose the opportunity to learn from her when i place her on the pedestal and instead try to spin like she does. it draws a line between us and chisels a divide between those who have it and those who don’t. it also causes me to try to mirror her beautiful spin instead of learning to spin for myself and seeing what my unique spin brings to the world around me.
i’m not great at cleaning and when we got married i could not cook at all. matt ate a lot of sandwiches. i am frequently overwhelmed and confused by all i am supposed to be doing at my kids’ school. i usually can figure out a fashion trend right as it is headed out the door. but you know what? i can make up a jingle about anything. if my kids are unable to keep their hindsides in their chair at dinner? i got a song to address that. if they are having a difficult time getting ready for bed i make up a song that can only be sung while they are cooperatively brushing their teeth, about an ardvark and a hedgehog named hank and frank, respectively. the big climax is at the end when they open up a hardware store called hank and frank and hank and frank and hank and frank… (the brushing gets real fast and it is almost too much fun to mention). if they are sad and just unable to pull their junk together then i will quietly and calmly go hide behind the wall leading into the dining room and walk ever so slowly with my head jutting back and forth and sing a resounding verse of one of our favorite dittys, “momma, momma, momma is a llama.” this repeats until they profess their pleasure by joining in the singing. i will walk a path into our wood floors, if it takes all night i will strut until the laughing begins and the milk flows form their noses.
momma is strugglin in about 957,634 areas but pulling a ditty out to get us through a rough patch ain’t one. i am not patient, particularly gentle, or “together” but gosh darnit i am a llama y’all and i am a good one.
now, do not put me on that llama ledge. do not try to jut your head in and out the way i do in my compelling llama giftedness. find your own inner llama. find your own ditty to get you and yours through one of the most painful whiny times of your days.
i see you in your beauty. i see you craft a piece of breathtaking pottery from what i can only assume begun as a lump of clay. i see you string words together you have gathered along the path of hardship you’ve walked and bring life to hurting people. i see you walk with people through the good, the bad, and the ugly and push them to respect and want more for themselves, to not let the hardship give them a blanket pass to ruin the rest of their days. you are gifted. you are beautiful. i think we are most beautiful in the grand finale of this here rehearsal when we all get to spin in our own way together on the same stage and hear the deafening applause as we clap for each other.