I’ve Discovered My Calling

i have climbed every mountain. i have followed every stream. i have followed every rainbow till i found my dream. well, that may be embellishing a bit. what i have really done is i went to the ymca this week and wait for it… no, i did not discover the secret to fitness, weight loss or how to fine tune this gift of an instrument God has given us, but i did take a shower which in this season is arguably the same.

it wasn’t the warm shower without little people running in to tell me who has had a longer turn with the beloved piece of scrap fabric that has become the doll pet’s blankie to sleep with in the doll pet bed we have constructed out of leftover cardboard boxes, or because the shower was warm and i didn’t care how long it took. it wasn’t even because the heavens opened and the sun shone and i remembered for the first time to bring my face cleanser. it was because after my shower i turned the corner and saw my reflection.

so it turns out that the day before was one of the 5 days of the year that i took time to put on makeup. the only problem with this is that no one should be expected to remember that and to pack eye make up remover. i believe we should all be making the mmmm sounds that people who are too shy to “amen!” in church make to show their intense approval of that last comment, because let’s remember that i had already gotten a gold star for the face cleanser.

so i turned the corner and saw the huge black circles under my eyes and panicked. first i calmly went to the area where you wash your hands and i grabbed a complimentary q tip and wet it ever so gracefully and then gently went to and fro to remove the black eyes i had upon completion of my celebratory bathing. when that didn’t work, and seeing how intense the damage was, i acknowledged that desperate times called for desperate measures and i looked around me to ensure i was alone, then squirted some of the mouthwash into a cup and hoped that the bacteria that causes bad breath were remarkably similar to the things that remove mascara. now we are vigorously scrubbing and there is no progress. now a normal person would simply push their fraggle-like hair that is in desperate need of a haircut and put it as far over the eyes as possible and exit the premesis. however, i do not believe i need to bring forth any additional support for the thesis that i am not in fact normal. so i went ahead and got some hand soap and braced myself and gave it the old college try. nope apparently the mascara i had bought was bullet proof and would not go down without a fight.

and it was in this glorious moment as i stood wrapped comfortably in my square foot towel with my two black eyes which were now underlaid with puffy redness from the efforts to appear more together than i am that i realized my calling.

i would be an absolutely astounding “before” model.

Me at my prime: high school beach week;)

Me at my prime: high school beach week;)

you know those pictures where you show the sad, lame, totally strugglin’ lady on the left and then the lady who’s life is forever changed because of your product on the right?! i feel like i would be an absolute dream to have in this position. on any given day, i wear powder with spf and a few swipes of blush if i remember.

do not wish for me that i would get a make up tutorial or even that i would find a skin care routine that would benefit everyone. i’m gonna take this fraggle rock, junior-high “just-learning-how-to-use-make-up” show on the road and earn my dolla dolla billz y’all. if we are close you better reserve some room in my squad because this here “before” is going places and you may just wanna be seen with her on all the social medias soon, but probably on the right side ya know the “after” shot.

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One Response to I’ve Discovered My Calling

  1. You put mouthwash around your eyes? Dear lord, woman!

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