You’re Not Cool Unless You Pee Your Pants

First I’d like to say that my husband edits my blogs and I’m so grateful, but you might wanna send him some chocolate and candies after this one because it is about to get real up in hurrr.

For the past eighteen months I’ve tried to be faithful in working out, running after my goals as best I can with each season that comes my way. There are two toning classes that are my jam but I am struggling a wee bit with some of the activities. Tris? Bis? Abs? Glutes? Nope. It’s when the instructor is trying to pick their next exercise and they have you just go to jumping jacks as a filler.

I am so touched that I get to be a mom and I love my three little girls to the depth of who I am, but it may be time to address the fact that pushing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a pea, repeatedly, does a number on your ability to complete a proper jumping jack without becoming an ad for depends undergarments. Sometimes it is the intensity of a long bout of jumping jacks and sometimes it is the intensity of a really great unexpected sneeze but ladies, they tell you to do those kegel exercises for a reason.
After injuring myself one time while doing a weighted exercise incorrectly, i now arrive early to put my mat in the front row by the mirror. Well, if the class gets overcrowded then people come and create a new row right up at the mirror to ensure they can take the class and i get that, but at other times this big dude comes in with space as far as the eye can see, but still he just puts his mat right in front of mine. Today was one of these days. There were about 7 people in class and he waltzed right up and decreased my visibility by about 100%. The added layer is that he does the hardest version of everything and adds weights and reps sometimes just to show the little people how it’s done. 

Today I decided that it was go time. We were going to have a healthy competition and so when he went faster I went faster and when he added reps SO. DID. I. If you are going to waltz up in here and plant right in front of the front row so you are high fiving the teacher you better bet your bottom dollar I am going to make you work for it. When we worked obliques and you had the medicine ball going side to side with feet on the floor guess who lifted a leg? That’s right king of obstruction. So I lifted my right leg and smiled… and then I lifted my left leg. Boom. He followed suit. On mat in sit up position lift the medicine ball over your head then lift up to the sky. Level two is to lift and touch your foot. Guess who lifted and touched while alternating feet oh I see you Thor and I’m right with you. Then the instructor said hit the ball to the floor when you go overhead and now my dear friends we have a drum beat to the battle of the sexes. Up, Over, BAM, Lift and touch foot, down and Up, Over, BAAAAM, Lift and touch foot. 

He sees what’s going on and he is not going down without a fight and all of a sudden his pace increases. Oh I see you and I raise you homeslice it is game time and momma came to PLAYYY. Well we were neck and neck folks and then we were to push through our final cardio to earn our stretch time at the end. And then the instructor says it. “Let’s do 25 jumping jacks and you need to use proper form or we will do 25 more until I see what I need to see.” This is the part of the class where I normally pretend I’m parched and go get a drink at the water fountain but we’ve been fouled and there are only seconds left for that one foul shot, the rebound, and one attempt at the game winning shot. So. I. Stay.

One two three four five. I jump. “Now turn to the door!” One. Two. Three. Four. Five. “Now turn to the back of the room!” I can usually make it through ten without needing to consult a doctor or reroute my day to accommodate for the good ol sprinkle tinkles. But now I am facing the back of the room and he is facing the back of me. It is in moments like these where you see what you are really made of. As I lift my arms and jump I see Elsa before me, her hair blowing in the wind and her castle rising to the sky and as I chant one…two…three…four…five… I am really singing let…it..go…let…it..go… the pee never bothered me anyway.  
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