We were going to leave for our beach vacation in a matter of days. It was time for me to put to rest the daydreaming that I could put it off any longer and “firm up”. It wouldn’t be pleasant and it wouldn’t be pretty but I was going to the mall, that’s right I said the mall, to try on bathing suits. Sure I waited until July so the assortment would be those suits that were so high-rise you could just hang them on the top of your ears and call it a day or those delightful numbers with elastic in between the butt cheeks so as to expose maximum cheekage. Let me tell you after pretending that my body is an accordion while growing and delivering babies for all them years the cheekage is maximum.
So I walked right into large chain numero uno and pretended I had all the time in the world. In reality there was little over an hour and no other time to get a suit. Which meant I was going home with something even if it was entirely made of mesh with cut-outs and crisscrossed straps that only the most nimble of ladies could get into. Game on. While sifting through the suits left for those of us that just couldn’t get our guts up earlier to take the challenge, an interesting thing happened… I see the clock running out and start just grabbing stuff. Hmmmm, I have never worn a bikini in my life but this one is green and I really like green and it is only two sizes too big, so let’s definitely pick up that bad boy. Strapless top? There was that time I sought to teach my middle child how to swim freestyle while a gang of 12 year old boys raced towards us and my top rolled down to my navel, but this one will probably work.
I get in the dressing room and can sense that time is running out so I will have to do this quickly. boom! naked in record time, hubs would be proud. First suit off the hanger and I put it up and over my head. It is at this point that I have become pinned. The bathing suit has gotten far enough so that my arms are stationary and glued to the side of my head. Luckily the long torso has covered my lady gems so if the firemen have to rescue me then at least we save ourselves that embarrassment. While never worrying about claustrophobia, I was beginning to panic a bit. I can’t rip or alter this suit in any way because I started with the nicest and we don’t even know if this one is included in the sale! Breathe. As I think about how I would rather be doing literally anything than this task I hear Lea Michele sing the beautiful words of one of my new favorite songs “Anything’s Possible”.
I push to the limits, I climb every wall
I keep on believing anything’s possible
I run ’til I’m breathless, I stand ten feet tall
I keep on believing anything’s possible
I gently but simultaneously fiercely pull this suit on and take a breath. With the clock ticking I try on two more that don’t work, and get to the last one. It is plain. It is Navy Blue. It is boring. You could’ve bought it in 1982, 1996, 2004 and now in 2017 but it fits. Everybody is in and tucked in nice and tight and there is nobody trying to run down the fire escape or flee for their lives. Perfect. I’ll take it.
Now everyone in the store as well as the large committee meeting in my head knows that I would’ve never picked that suit without time restraints. The voices in my head rally. We have twenty minutes left to fly down the entire mall and hit up large chain numero dos girl! WE. GOT. THIS! I fly through the racks and grab four.
Suit number one… Wow that one is way more attractive than all the other suits I’ve tried but I need one size down in this brand. Toss it to the right to ask a question if there’s time. Number two… yup that’s cute but the cut isn’t the best on me. No no head stay in the game everybody has suits that work and suits that don’t that’s just not the most flattering for you but jump back in the game THERE’S NO TIME SON THE ENEMY IS APPROACHING!” Number three… Oh thank God that is way cuter and though I might not of picked it given loads of time I am actually glad that I did! Number four… It is at this point in the story that I should mention that I kept my sandals on for speed and timing issues. The suit got caught in the sandal or the sandal in the suit who can say. I lurch and with the added momentum of the speed that I have attempted to move through this activity I slam into a wall. Brush it off we are running out of time. I fling off that suit grab #3 and the question suit. Get in line ask about suit in smaller size… none…in…the…state of NC. I’m going to go with this one then.
Sprinting through the mall in order for Matt to make it to a work meeting, I flash back to my ninth grade regional basketball game when the opposing team came out in their warm-up mix tape to “We are the Champions”. We may not have won that game but running out of the mall I know I have won this one.
I did not cry. I did not have to call emergency personnel to remove me from a suit and/or dressing room. I do not have a concussion from the emergency meeting I had with the wall during the sandal fiasco. I have two suits to choose from! We will go to the beach and frolic and play and rejoice! I’ll post a pic of both suits so y’all can vote which one to keep later. BWAHAHAHA nope I would never do that I barely survived today. #wineme